


When Harry Met Harry

by CoveredinLemons, MaggieMarr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Provocative, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:57:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2840567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoveredinLemons/pseuds/CoveredinLemons, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMarr/pseuds/MaggieMarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere in between saving the world and generally being dashing, Harry finds a little 'me time'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

'What a night', Harry thought as he settled his weary carcus down unto creamy satin sheets.

"Ahhhh," said the sheets, in a voice reminiscent of Dumbledore. The yule ball had been long and forthcoming this year, as Ron refused to take off his tap shoes and had led them all in a rousing chorus of Under Pressure, by Queen; wearing Harry's temperament thin indeed as seeing all of the happy faces of his friends and enemies alike holding hands led him to be exhausted and morose.

A brown cloud of doubt wavered over the bed, Sirius started barking loudly at it, in fear.

"Quiet Sirius, you'll wake the neighbours." He scolded the aged man-poodle, and it hushed like a small starfish frightened by a passing shark.  
Harry sighed and pondered whether or not he should attempt a start at his math homework. Professor Napel was pretty unimpressed with his algebra, as Harry always opted to stare at Lavender Brown's curls instead of his textbook.  
A soft knock at the door roused him from his musings.

"Who dat?" He queried.

"Harry Potter." Came a calm and familiar vocal response.

"Wot." Said Harry, rubbing his blistered toenails in confusion. (They were sore from tapdancing)

"Harry Potter." Came the voice again. His voice the same low, vibrant british tone.

"Come in." Harry said after a moment, feeling his head spin. Sirius growled, and Harry shoved a peeled-off blister in his mouth to shut him off. Sirius Whined and chewed the blister suspiciously.

"yew fukin mongrel mate" Cried Ron in his low income voice. "Fuk if the party wos still going and yer miserable harris up in the cellar. Blimey"

Harry tolerated this talk, letting his friends rugged social disparity wash over him. He never understood what the poor said, as he had stuffed his ears with money as soon as receiving his handsome inheritance. 

"Please, do carry on" he cried affably as he produced a pocket knife with the intention of feeding someones toe to the dog. Ron was too quick to catch and dismember, as he had discovered, and he himself had only three toes left. Perhaps Hermione would be near, and tired from the dancing. Harry was grinning menacingly when he saw himself enter the room and was struck dumb.

"Blimey." (tm) exclaimed Ron - who's poverty had now began to spread through the room. Harry shifted backwards, disgusted as the dog began to turn into dust, unpaid bills, and warning notices from debt collectors.

"How is this possible?!" Harry demanded to himself. The Harry at the door raised a manicured brow, which he had liberated from an innocent thirteen year old about fifteen minutes prior.

"Magic, My love." Said Harry. Harry blushed prettily, Harry thought it cute, reminiscent of a peach he once saw in the springtime, or a slaughtered whale shark. Harry was entranced, he could not move, he was caught under the spell of this mysterious stranger. Ron dissolved into a pile of bankruptcy notices, as he was prone to do, and the magic in the air became music and light. The Harry's danced.

A pink glow set all alight with Enya playing lightly in the background. Harry knew he was in love, the question was what now? Harry smiled at Harry, and felt peaceful, despite the question playing at his heart.

After a while he felt brave and spoke up; "Kiss me?" He asked hopefully.

Harry smirked, and shook his head.

"Like all avocados," Harry said, taking Harry's soft face in his palms, "this must end, bound eternal in a leathery green skin."

Harry nodded sadly, feeling the inevitable. Then they pressed together, mouths gaping to produce a mucous that they encased themselves within - cocooning themselves together so that they could evolve into something more beautiful, even then they were now. The mucous hardened and months passed. Ron re-formed eventually, and stopped by to visit sometimes - pinning eviction notices on the leathery-shell that entombed the two Harrys. Three months to the day that Harry met Harry, the chrysalis stirred, waking an inexplicably toeless Hermione Granger from her slumber. She wandered up to the room that was now inhabited by the two-harry's sinful casing. A scream was heard by the whole school as The Harry's hatched, now conjoined as a large and sinful leathery creature. Dumbledore apparated to the scene and quickly leashed the Harrys. Clambering onto their backs he rode them through the halls of hogwarts to gasps of horror from students and teachers alike.


	2. christmas is nigh

"Merry Christmas, Harry." Said Harry, smiling down to the mirror he held in his palm. The reflected Harry was smiling also, and it made both of them blush as they admired each other's expressions.  
"I wish I could hold you," said Harry, looking longingly at the flesh of his reflection. The Harry in the mirror gazed longingly back, and they were silent for a while. A loud bang shocked the Harrys, and Harry placed his mirror on the foot of his bed, moving to investigate the source.  
He didn't need to investigate long.  
"Ho. Ho. Ho." Came a cold and sad voice. Harry felt his blood run at a slightly lower temperature.  
"Santamort?" He whispered, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.  
"Itttt Isssss IIIIII." Came the hissed response, then, Santamort emerged from the shadows. Santamort's thickly lidded snake eyes peered menacingly at Harry beneath the white fluff of the Santa hat he wore. Harry quickly drew his wand, but Santamort raised his hands in a surrender.  
"No fffighting tonight, Potterrrrr." Said the Jolly snake man who felt no joy.  
"Why are you here!?" Demanded Harry, scared that he was going to die.  
"To bring you tidingssss of peace, love, and joy." Then Santamort smiled, a sick and deadly smile, before he turned into foul black smoke and wafted slowly out of Harry's open bedroom window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas.


	3. Cedric goes to the zoo

Cedric Diggory had never been touched before. He'd never even touched himself. (skin to skin) He was always careful to wear gloves.  
Dobby had never wanted anything more than to please Harry Potter, his great master. Harry Potter wanted Dobby to fuck off.  
This particular day, Cedric was draped over a garden bench, amongst the cool huffelpuff wenches and tomfoolers. Everyone was smoking pot, and Cedric was thinking about poetry, like the amiable male prospect he is.  
Ronald Weasley appeared at that time and place then, dragging dusty cobwebs of perverse poverty, and the stench of alcoholism that usually pursued those of a more unfortunate annual earning. Harry Potter walked with him, holding Ronald's hand brazenly - not in an act of open homosexual affection, but rather to conceal a particularly strange looking boil on the palm of his hand. The boil was orange and had a foul mouth, often spurting rude swear words, and insulting the attire of passers by.  
Cedric noticed Potter, and called out to him, subconsciously ignoring Ron Weasley because of the social inequality between them.  
"Potter!" Cedric shouted gayly. (Happily)  
"Ah, Cedric!" Said Harry, in that awkward stiff way where he looks like he's trying to look calm and over exited at the same time.  
"Come do drugs" Persuaded Cedric badly.  
Harry flinched, feeling fear turn his kidneys purple.  
"I'm scared, I don't want to die." He mumbled, inching closer in a rigid manner.  
"It's only marajuana, u won't die you'll just die sometimes and then maybe not cos ok." Explained Cedric. Harry nodded numbly, reaching out and taking a blunt out of cedric's hand.  
Dissonant music began playing suspensefully as Harry raised the drug cigarette to his lips. The violins began to screech to a crescendo as the players had all missed their lunch and felt angrily about it. Harry squeezed his fearful eyeballs shut and drew in a breath as Cedric brushed closer to him to light the end of his drug-stick.  
Then everything turned magenta, and Harry began to dance. Cedric kissed his lips and called him pretty, and Ron was made to lie on the floor so that they had somewhere comfortable to sit. (Ron in the movies is kinda chubby don't u think?).  
Nine foot tall Dementors that spat out grapes instead of sucking souls hovered by, playing lute's and fondling their own genitalia. Harry and Cedric smiled at one another, feeling a deep love that could never be explained by a sober person. Then when they both felt hunger, Harry summoned Dobby - who was always happy to please him. Dobby brought them sandwhiches (which they sniggered about) and then under Harry's orders, began to kiss Cedric in places where the sun don't shine. Harry stabbed himself in the foot and wished that he was never born.


	4. Panky

Harry began to initiate something. He should never have, but he was so wasted on the marajuana drug that he could barely be blamed for his own actions. He kissed Dobby on the foot, and dobby moaned wantonly, like a Goat who had been swimming recently in the sea. Cedric looked on hungrily, like a famished bird.  
Dobby reached upwards, and pierced Harry's lightning bolt scar with a long fingernail, conjuring a sexy scream of disgust from the potter boy, which made Dobby smirk with satisfaction.  
"I can't wait for you to fuck me." Said Dobby coldy, like voldemort at the beach.  
Harry grinned like the cheshire cat and punched Ronald in the face, as he had begun to stir.  
"Keep still Slave Boy, if you know what's good for you." Growled Harry, revealing his sharp canines. The Dementor closest to them threw a single grape at Ronald for dramatic effect and Ron grimaced uncomfortably, shriveling like a raisin into silence.  
"Now," Said Harry in a sexy and commanding voice, "where were we?"  
Dobby chuckled in a low and deep voice that sounded like smaug from the hobbit. He pulled off his potato sack clothes, which were spotted with fecal matter and the despair of children, and threw it over Ron's plebeian expression.  
Harry consumed Dobby's leathery sick-looking old man child body desperately with his eyeballs - And he liked what he saw.  
Cedric piped up, reminding the two love-birds that they were not alone.  
"Hey guys, wanna see my glittery chest?" He asked, his lipstick smudging as he smiled at them.  
"Fuck off Cedric Cullen." Said Harry breathily, as he surveyed the shrunken naked creature before him lustily. "I'm in the mood for Elf flesh tonight. Not man flesh."  
Cedric furrowed his brows, feeling hurt and jealous.  
"I'll kill you." He mumbled quietly, fingering at Ronald's lips to distract himself. "I'll kill all of you." Harry ignored him and shifted forward, crawling sexily towards the house-elf Dobbly like a stripper trying to coerce $150 from a rich and drunken client.  
Dobby moaned at the sight, his voice like a cross breed between a bear and Draco Malfoy when he was twelve.  
"Kiss me," Whined Dobby desperately, his voice cracking like he was re-going through the puberty he experienced three hundred years ago -(that's how much Harry takes him back ;) ) Harry took the cold hard plate-like lips in his own and began to chew, feeling pieces of dobby's mouth breaking off into his own.  
Dobby tasted like dust and times long forgotten. It made Harry Potter very aroused. Cedric glared on, feeling violent and indignant.  
Harry bit down and snapped off Dobby's lower lips sexily. Dobby screamed sadly in a pleased manner. Cedric hands fisted in Ron's shirt. Ron remained still and silent, as a lower-class citizen should be.  
Cedric could take no more. He yanked out his wand and hurriedly cast an engorgement charm on his penis. Dobby looked impressed. Harry was mortified as he was no longer the biggest man in the garden. Cedric's balls had swelled to gigantic proportions (like a balloon being blown up by an air compressor). All of a sudden his balls exploded in a flurry of blood, flesh and semen. "That's hot" exclaimed Dobby. Harry hoped that what he'd just seen was a result of the weed making him trip out bro. Alas no, Cedric was disfigured now for life.  
Dobby and Harry pleasured each other sexually for a while after that, while Cedric glared madly, stroking Ronald Weasley's hair. The two looked at each other and silently agreed that they would have their vengeance.


	5. Chapter 5

Cedric was a madman. He wanted a hotpocket, but there were none at the shops. He resigned himself to hunger, and left the pie shop grizzled.  
Outside, concealed in the snow was Harry. He was frozen slightly, and some jolly kids had stuck a carrot to the snow over his face.  
Cedric noticed the ball of snow and went up to it, stroking it.  
"hello." Moaned Cedric whisperly.  
Potter mumbled a frozed reply.  
"Pottere?" Quizzled Cedric?  
"yep," Said snow and cedric vansiced the snow with his mighty magic stick.  
oops but he also vanished harry's clothes.  
Harry shivvered.  
"oh no mine peen!" he squinted and covered his privates.  
cedric raised his eyebrows, aroused by the harry’s nakedness, small and dead from the cold.  
He propositioned an idea.  
“Harry let’s have snox sex.”  
Harry’s brain beached it’self on the shore of Cedric’s ideas.  
“that’s not a good idea,” he responded, thinking of his inverted genetils, hiding, fearful of the outdoors.  
“it’s like sex on the beach, but not.” Reasoned Cedrci and Harry understood.  
“k”  
Therefore the two parties set about removing the clothes remaining on Cedric's golden frame.  
once they were both revealed completely they kissed softly and harry felt a revelation in his ovaries.  
"i kan tell the future, if we wok together then u wont die and volfemort will not take the cup!!" harry spained.!!


End file.
